three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
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I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.