It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
You Might Also Like
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Muppet Screams
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.