It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
You Might Also Like
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
That’s easy for you to say
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Pizza is an emotion right?
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.