It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
You Might Also Like
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?