@k_lli: It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
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@_Kim_Jongun: I'm not a god. I'm a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way. There's a difference.
@iheartgunts: I'm actually kind of handsome when you're drunk and the light is low and there's no other dudes around and you have low standards.
@Dani_Feld: I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
@BlindChow: [girl chatting up guy at bar] girl: so what do you do? magician: i halve a girlfriend