@k_lli: It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
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@Brianhopecomedy: Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I'll sleep in the other room.
@AntiJokeJamal: A lion walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave predicting the impending danger at hand.
@elle91: Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn't recognize them because they've gotten so big.
@iamk1ts: Men: The Only creature blessed with the superpowers to make Any machine a smoke machine in kitchen especially when his wife isn't home.