It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
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gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Jupiter
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.