It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
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Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.