It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
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wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.