@drewjanda: It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers' houses and made women try on a shoe I found
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@rachelle_mandik: do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
@YourAnMoron: I accidentally just laughed at something my 4-year-old did so now I have to pretend to laugh as she does it forty thousand more times.
@sageboggs: "You're getting an MFA in English? Wasn't your Bachelor's useless enough for you?" -second degree burn
@KeetPotato: me: "i don't appreciate being laughed at" seaworld employee: "sir that's just the noise dolphins make"