It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
You Might Also Like
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
🤣🤣🤣
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
i did the math
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.