It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
You Might Also Like
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it