@apok842: It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
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@SamGrittner: The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
@NewDadNotes: [pushing my son in his stroller] Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you? Me: 35 Stranger: I was talking to him Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
@wit_haze: I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
@jwoodham: What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.