It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
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Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
We like the way Dwight thinks
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”