It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
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If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
My hips? Compulsive liars.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?