It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
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listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
😬
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.