Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
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Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
cat vs inanimate object
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Oceanography is all about current events
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.