“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
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[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.