“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
You Might Also Like
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
He-man has a Masters degree
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.