surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
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Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
We’re all getting idioter.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.