@InternetHippo: It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
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@lwhit_the_boss: If Jay-Z is married to Beyonce and is a multimillionaire and still has 99 problems then there ain't no hope for the rest of us
@ComedicBust: MECHANIC: looks like it’s the transmission. It’s going to cost 5 grand. ME: [hiking up my pants, pretending I know what I’m talking about] Sure it’s not the ol’ mcgriddle? MECHANIC: the McDonalds breakfast sandwich? ME: Debit or credit?
@shutupmikeginn: "Are you already hot as shit? Then you'll look hot as shit in our glasses" - Every glasses ad
@Donnie_Fairburn: Just installed the iOS 9 update and I've already noticed a significant increase in my phone's battery life! This is aweso