Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
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Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.