The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
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I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.