it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
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‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.