@Eightinchgoat: It was just White Floyd until that one red sock got mixed in.
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@AndyAsAdjective: [reading dinosaur book] 8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl ME: actually sweetie, it's a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus 8: how did you ever get laid?
@XplodingUnicorn: Random woman in the store: What's in your mom's tummy? 5-year-old: A baby. Woman: What kind of baby? 5-year-old: A human one. Nailed it.
@Swain_Train47: Bernie Sanders was going to do a parody of Trump's slogan for his campaign but "Make America Bern Again" didn't go over well with marketing.