“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
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Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
the rocks need my help
Not all heroes wear capes…
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww