“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
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Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Every damn time
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.