“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
You Might Also Like
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
so i’m at the stock market right
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.