@heatherlou_: "IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!" I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
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@TheRolo: I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit "ignore caller" on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
@Gooooats: Instead of donating my body to science, I'll donate it to whoever has the best idea for a practical joke involving a dead body.
@OhSweetCharity: If you love someone, set them free. When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
@pleatedjeans: [job interview for garbageman] interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you're hired Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]