It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
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a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.