It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
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Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”