It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
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Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
So that’s what we looked like?
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.