It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
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Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
I’m just playing devils avocado here