It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
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I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
he’s doing your taxes
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.