It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
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I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you