Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
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chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
My kitchen overserved me.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
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What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
That earthquake could have been an email.
Start the year as you intend to continue.