Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty