*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
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Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.