it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
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scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
wtf is an acronym
this could fix me
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.