[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
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It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday