@Donna_McCoy: It wasn't a crisis until my mother heard about it.
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@notacroc: [Preschool] Teacher: aw what's this little guy's name? [Simultaneously] Me: laser panther Wife: Jacob
@Barknado69: "I got your back" "And I got your nose" "Ooh I want his feet" Mr. Potato Head: *sobbing* guys stop it
@prettysadmostly: I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the--nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
@AbbieEvansXO: Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no