It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
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They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.