‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
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Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
🙁
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?