Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
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I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?