12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
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Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
I came this close!!!!
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Jurassic park gets weird
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.