@BackrowSeats: It won't be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It'll be me laughing at an inappropriate time.
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@internetluke: [two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men's bathroom] Haha "What do we do?"
@FattMernandez: I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it's the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
@DevilryFun: Interviewer: We offer great benefits. Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?