@BackrowSeats: It won't be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It'll be me laughing at an inappropriate time.
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@chopper4jk: When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I'm sure you already know, have a great time!
@thatUPSdude: Turns out if you fake a heart attack every Monday work sends you to HR and not the hospital.
@JohnHilsen: My "friend" Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, "Adam."