Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
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*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.