I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
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[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Animal poetry
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”