It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
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The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross