It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
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Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
me, too, girl. me, too.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.