It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
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I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Social Media and Real life
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆