It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
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I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said