Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
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Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Close call…
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery