All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
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I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.