Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
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4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
is this store having a stroke wtf
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?