@kelkulus: It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. "This food tastes bland. Let's see if I can improve it by adding some rocks."
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@Tommytoughstuff: [High school reunion] Hey guys! Remember me!? "No" How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head* (in unison) CHRIS!
@jake_lach: She said she hates my analogies and wishes I would communicate like a normal person, but that's like telling a samurai not to use his sword
@TheAlexNevil: If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.