It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
You Might Also Like
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids