Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
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But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
some things should go without saying
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?